Someone recently told me that they miss me. And my immediate response was “why?” So, I responded.
This is what I wrote back to them:
I was going to tell you that you miss the idea of me. I was going to tell you that the truth about me is not nearly as glorious as you remember.
My relationship ended. The one I told you about in the summer. One of us was determined to be in love. One of us was determined to be confused. I don’t think it’s necessary to clarify who played each role.
As I was typing my response to you, my current situation came to mind. In this message, I was going to point out the many reasons why missing me is misguided. I was going to point out every single reason why you don’t really, truly want to be bothered with me.
And a conversation that I partook in recently popped into my head. I was preparing to have the same conversation with you that someone feebly tried to have with me. It hit me so hard in the face that I’m still internally debating whether or not I should send this message. There is a part of me that feels like if I say it to you, I’m really just admitting to myself (about someone else). And that makes me hesitant to say “it”. “It” is a truth that I don’t know if I’m ready to face.
Ultimately, there is not a day that goes by that the love & hope in me doesn’t wish that the hesitation & confusion in him had just been honest. Instead, he left me in the brittle, dry land of maybe. Nothing grows here. Every flower that rises from the soil in the land of maybe eventually dies. It is not watered or it does not get enough shade or the weeds overtake it.
But still, flowers, like hope, continue to sprout.
I don’t want to be the kind of person that hurts someone’s feelings tomorrow so I won’t hurt their feelings today.
So, here “it” is. We’re a no. We’re not a yes and we’re not a maybe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entertaining illusions of grandeur and going on like you’re pining for me or something. I know that I’m just a girl you met long ago and never got a chance to explore. I know that I’m just a girl who passes through your mind when you see my name on facebook. I know that I don’t hold any real importance in your life besides being something unfulfilled. But even still, we’re a no.
I was going to tell you to not be determined to miss me or think of me or care for me in anyway. But, I guess most of us have something in our life that we miss the idea of much more than we miss the reality. Most of us have something or someone unfulfilled. If I can put yours to rest, I’ll let you in on a pretty widespread secret: you’re not missing much.
So, miss me if you like. Or don’t. If we’re not at least free to choose our own feelings, then will we ever be free?
And please excuse me if I’m projecting and made much more of your declaration than you intended. I saw so much of myself in your message and I felt this overwhelming need to protect you.
Maybe it was inappropriate. I haven’t seen this person in almost 10 years. And we didn’t spend that much time together during the short time that I did know them. It’s highly possible that these are the ramblings of an ill-rested and weary heart. But either way, it inspired me. And my intention is to share the things that inspire me on this blog.
When I first began to respond to this person, I had not connected that I wanted to portray to him what someone else had attempted to portray to me. Sometimes the best advice we can offer ourselves is the advice we’re most eager to offer to someone else.
And for the record, I am well aware that there is only one Savior & I didn’t actually think I could protect this person. I just felt an overwhelming urge to try.