What Should I Do Now?

For months, I’ve been working on a movie (my first feature film) and it was the greatest joy I’ve ever known. I thought about the movie on the days I wasn’t scheduled. Most of the people there were making four figures a week while I was making absolutely nothing and it didn’t bother me one bit. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve taken the four-figure-week in an instant but the nothing wasn’t a small enough amount to keep me away.

It gave me a sense of purpose that I didn’t realize I was missing. I got to be up close and in the middle of my dream and every single day, I was greeted with so much hope. Everything was brighter. There was one morning in particular; I woke up in the king size bed in my hotel suite (donated by the hotel manager because I was so “awesome”), I was surrounded by pillows, wrapped up in a white comforter and the sun was shining through the sheer curtains on the window. I looked up and felt…perfection. I felt like I was snuggled in the arms of my heavenly Father, I felt like I could hear the beating heart of my perfect soulmate and my dreams felt like they were alive inside of me.

Perfection, though, like a good movie, can’t last forever. As beautiful as that moment was, it’s taken me three weeks to realize that it was only a moment. Moments like that are special because of the contrast, I think, and I finally appreciate the many moments of non-perfection. For two weeks, since the movie ended, I’ve existed in this empty bubble of confusion. The real shade is that I didn’t even realize I was in this bubble. Aimless, going nowhere. I stood on the bus stop tonight, after taking over 6 hours to get ready and realized that I had no idea where I was going. No clue!! And I meant that literally and figuratively. I’m lost. I have no direction. I was headed to three different places all at the same time and had not consciously decided where I was going. So, do you know where I went instead? I walked back to my house and decided to just spend some quiet time with myself.

I sent a text to my new friend, B (more on him later) and expressed my “lost” feelings. I’m so glad I sent that text. I’m glad for a couple of reasons. I have spent most of my life not communicating with people and hiding my thoughts and feelings. It was a combination of fears and uncertainties and part of it was not thinking people cared to know what I was thinking or feeling. Another part of it was being afraid of vulnerability; when you’re vulnerable, it means you care and when you care, it means you get hurt. If I could get back to the point, I was glad I sent it because it was me being vulnerable AND it was me choosing to believe that this guy cared to know what I was thinking and feeling. Well, shiver me timbers sunshine! I got the best gift ever: B’s response…”you find the most unique things when you’re lost”.

Isn’t that wonderful? “You find the most unique things when you’re lost”. Suddenly, lost didn’t seem like such a loss anymore! Lost suddenly felt like Candyland (one of my favorite board games as a child). Lost felt like the magic of imagination and my favorite childhood movies. Thinking about Candyland got me to thinking about imagination and inspiration, two things that I haven’t really explored in a long time. I’ve taken a couple of road trips with ambition, dedication & persistence but imagination and inspiration, I haven’t seen those girls since the reunion!

I titled this blog, “what should I do now?” The answer is…whatever I want.

Hi imagination, you’re more beautiful than I remember! Hey there inspiration, I don’t know how I’ve gone on this long without you! Let’s hang out. I’ve missed you.

Be Fearless,
E.

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7 thoughts on “What Should I Do Now?

  1. Michelle Rhnea says:

    I’m your mother Ella, so of course I marvel at everything you do. You’ve found your place, I see it in you everyday as you struggle to see it plainly yourself. Turn on the light in the room it’s right in front of you. You’ve been touching it for quite a while. You are as resilient and headstrong, and determined as Whit said and it is amazing to watch.

  2. Whit says:

    E,
    I love and miss you so much. Reading this makes me so proud of the person you have become. You are one of the most resilient, headstrong, determined people I know. You WILL find your place in this world, even if you have to carve it out yourself. ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. caitlyn says:

    Ella! this really resonates with me, too. I’ve been trying to ‘plan’ my life lately, and things don’t seem to currently be falling into place. I have this vision in my head and I know what I want to do as a ‘career’ but I have no idea how I’m supposed to get there. I feel ya girl!

  4. Tiffany Jones-Hoy says:

    Ella this is an amazing and very heart warming post. I felt like I was there with you and I too wanted to help you find out whats next for you. This helps me as well. You are such an inspiration. Roc and I love this post. Keep em comin’!!!

  5. Ibrahim Asghar says:

    Good one, i recently went through an experience which made me feel lost, however, i realized that only in moments of deep deprivation, do you find the inspiration of ‘anything’.

    I cherished reading this.

    • Ella Lacey says:

      You’re so right about that. I definitely experienced it yesterday and I’m glad I shared it here. To be honest, just waking up and seeing your reply made me feel like I was on the right path. The whole, “you are not alone” thing, I guess.

      I treasure this “lost” world I’m in.

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