For the past couple of months, a single question has been on my mind: who am I? What is my voice? Okay, that’s two questions but they’re related and everyone knows blood is thicker than water. The questions are sisters, have the same last name and therefore, count as one question.
For a long time, I’ve felt like there are two very different sides of myself. I’ve struggled with these two versions of myself and have yet to find a balance! I recently discovered that these two halves can, quite simply, be summed up with a cell-phone technology reference:
I’m an iPhone and I’m a BlackBerry.
Me as an iPhone: I’m free, creative, fresh, trendy, eccentric, fashion-forward, risqué. I’m a young, social, playful woman. I am interesting, unique, unpredictable, hip. I give to environmental causes, I am concerned with social causes. I do really cool things with my friends on the el train. I’m unconventional, sensitive, concerned with feelings. I’m MTV. I’m VH1. I’m Bravo. I’m a rock star. I’m fun, spontaneous. I’m obsessed with fashion. I’m versatile, I’m apps. I’m an artist.
Me as a BlackBerry: I’m conservative, classic, responsible, driven, ambitious, timeless. I’m careful, cautious, professional, responsible. I’m a mature, get-things-done kind of person. I multitask. I’m productive. I’m formal. I’m elegant, eloquent, executive and concerned with etiquette. I’m Grace Kelly. I’m CNN. I’m Forbes magazine. I’m concerned with numbers, structure, the bottom line. I’m calculating (but not cruel), cunning. I’m an entrepreneur.
For some reason, I can’t seem to find a balance between the two. I don’t know how to be an iPhone and a BlackBerry. I feel like with people, one or the other of my personas takes center stage. With some people, I’m an iPhone. With some people, I’m a BlackBerry. To be perfectly honest, with most people, the iPhone is what they get. And then, I can’t figure out how to present the BlackBerry in a natural and authentic way. Most of the time, I’m not even 100% comfortable with the BlackBerry. My BlackBerry self intimidates me and I keep her as locked away as I can.
One of the biggest reasons I want to find this balance is because I think the key to finding my voice lies there. I go back and forth on what kind of artist I am; what kind of filmmaker. I’m inclined to think that it begins with self-awareness and self-acceptance. So, in the interest of finding my voice:
Hi, I’m an iPhone. I will be confident enough to embrace this part of myself. It is great.
Hi, I’m a BlackBerry. I will be confident enough to embrace this part of myself. It is great.