Ernessa T. Carter is sublime. And I’m in love with her.

I want to be her friend. I want to follow her around and confirm my suspicions that even when she’s wiping down a kitchen counter with a dishrag, she does it sublimely. I want her to write so many words for me that the duration of my life is spent reading them and doing nothing else. I want to disappear into her stories & observe her characters until they cease to exist. And then I want to observe their children.

I’ve just finished reading her books, “32 Candles” & “The Awesome Girl’s Guide to Dating Extraordinary Men” and, my normal response when I’m blown away is to just be speechless. It’s significant because I’m normally a very mouthy person. However, Mrs. Carter has taken me beyond speechlessness to a state of irrepressible effusive enthusiasm. I’m excited. I’m anxious to read more.

I started “32 Candles” Sunday afternoon and have eschewed both work deadlines & sleep because I couldn’t tear myself away.

***

I’m now updating this post on the last day of October 2017 and I feel just as irrepressibly effusively enthusiastic as I did 3 years ago. I’ve recommended these books to as many people as I can, I’ve read them multiple times myself, I’ve planned the adaptations I’ll make and, generally, have confirmed her brilliance.

Toodles.

Led by Example

Six years ago, my mother was chronically unemployed. This was a woman with a Master’s Degree and a proven success rate. This was also a woman that wasn’t getting hired, offers, calls or responses. So she did what any sane person would do in that situation.

She panicked.

I’m joking.

She calmly got up each morning, sat at the computer and wrote. She wrote on her blog, she worked on a novel, she filled out job applications, she wrote proposals, she wrote curriculum. She just wrote.

The most important part of her sitting and writing was the faith that led her. It was a sight to behold and it was a great lesson for myself & my siblings to both witness and experience. That same faith has seen her in the last four years go from unemployed writer/educator straight into Director of Curriculum for the Banner Schools. That same faith saw her go from sitting at a broken down computer writing to traveling for work with a brand new MacBook Pro. That same faith has seen her change vehicles, develop hobbies & friendships, and witness constant growth in her career.

I’ve been thinking about that time a lot lately because it was one of the few miracles I’ve witnessed in my life but also because every morning, I get up, sit at my computer & write.

Failure

I failed.

It was a failure of epic proportions. The show didn’t turn out the way I wanted. My deficiencies were glaring. I was very obviously overwhelmed. I made promises that I’ve yet to fulfill. I owe money to a lot of people. The deep shame I feel doesn’t seem to be enough to cover the damage that I have done. I let people down. I let myself down.

I failed.

I question my ability. I question my aptitude. I question my “talent”. I question my capabilities, my understanding, my vision. I question myself.

I failed.

What I am beginning to truly understand is that one cannot exist without the other. It is failure that opens the door for us to succeed and it is inevitable that pursuing greatness, pursuing success will lead to much failure.

In investing, some investments are known as “high risk, high reward”. Success is such an investment. You can’t earn $100 million if you’re not even willing to invest $10 million. There is nothing wrong with “low risk, low reward” investments. In fact, any broker or salesman will advise you to invest at your comfort level. I had to ask myself what I wanted in order to know what I was willing to offer.

It’s been said that what you put into something is what you’ll get out of it. I disagree. If an investor breaks even, she doesn’t consider that a rewarding investment. She got out of it what she put into it. An investment is only as valuable as its returns, its profits. So, if I’m not getting more out of “it” than what I’m putting into “it”, something’s wrong with that. I think the Universe works that way. I could be wrong, but I don’t believe I am.

So, I failed. And I failed in a big way. But that is what greatness does.

I thank God, and everyone that He sent to me with that lesson. It has been learned. Thank you to you all.

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed” – Michael Jordan

My Black Hole

I tend to make what I’m feeling. If I’m sad, my story is about a sad woman. If I’m confused, my story is about a confused woman. Wronged, a woman wronged; elated, a woman elated and so on and so forth.

I’ve been working on an idea for a web series about two women, both dealing with a great loss. The women experience the loss in different ways and at different times in their lives. The women’s emotional journeys are different also but the one similarity is that they are seeking to find themselves.

It should go without saying that I was experiencing a loss of self when this idea came to me. Creating is how I get clarity; it’s how I understand my feelings and how I find peace.

My delimna begins when my feelings change. I’ve yet to discover the ability to write the same story when my feelings are different. I know that working with feeling & consistency is the difference between a creative person and a professional artist. It’s not something I care to admit but I’m more of the former than the latter.

This is particularly true for me as a writer. I can direct it at any time but writing it once the feeling is gone has proven to be on the impossible side of difficult.

I am determined that it does not remain that way. I want to see this show actualized and I think it will be very special. I’m working on developing the tools that will make that a possibility. Stay tuned, there’s a show on the way!

Storytelling

My younger sister is working on her essays for college and this question caught my attention: what are the characteristics of powerful stories and storytellers?

I’ve been trudging through a treatment of a long-form series I want to shoot and thought answering this question might inspire me. I was right. This is my answer…

The characteristics of the most powerful stories and storytellers are as elusive as they are precise. To be powerful, a story must stay with the viewer or the reader once it is no longer in front of them.

Characterization is key. It is a great writers’ responsibility to develop characters that audiences can feel and then make horrendous things happen to them. When characters are gray, a flawed hero, for example, or a villain with a heart, it is almost impossible not to be drawn in. People like to feel and people like to have their emotions stirred. They like to cry, to laugh and to get angry.

Great stories always have some form of love present. Love is the greatest of everything this world has to offer and every living thing requires it to survive. Every living thing has also suffered at some point in the pursuit of it and knows the extent of its power. When this can be depicted in a story, it propels that story.

The powerful stories and storytellers are bold. They confront an issue that is real and offer an interesting or unexpected view. They blur the line between right and wrong and challenge our thoughts and feelings of certainty. They are marked by their ability to capture human nuances and to portray emotional honesty.

Finally, they have just the right touch of the intangible magic known as imagination. Every great film, television series, stage play or book has been elevated above the crowd by the storytellers’ ability to imagine. Imagination is the red thread that runs through the fabric of a great story.

…I’m sharing it just in case it inspires you too.

Be Fearless,
E.

Confidence

The Washington Wizards began playing basketball this season on December 26, 2011. Until last night, they hadn’t won a single game.

When some people lose, it becomes easier to lose. When you lose 2 games in a row, it becomes easy for that to be 4 in a row. With every loss, your confidence gets chipped away more & more. With every loss, it seemed as though the Wizards played less & less effectively. They stopped believing they could win.

The Chicago Bulls won their first game of the season. They lost the next game by a pretty large margin. They went on to win their next six games before losing by another pretty large margin. After losing, they come out to win. After winning, they come out to win.

When they come out to win, they win. They play with the confidence that they will find a way.

Whether or not it is justified, I’ve felt like the Washington Wizards. I’ve felt like a team on a losing streak. I’ve felt that sluggish performance that comes with knowing a loss is imminent and the despair of feeling like I’m going to lose so why bother trying.

I know that I have to get my confidence back if I want to play well. It’s the only way to win. In the 9 wins the Bulls have recorded, some of them looked like certain losses: the score was down a significant amount and there wasn’t much time left to play. But one or more players believed that they could still win. And that’s exactly what they did. So, confidence. I need confidence. I need to know that, “no matter what the score looks like, I can still win this.”

I’ve got to get my confidence back.

I’m inclined to think trying has a lot to do with it. When you’re on a losing streak, it’s hard to muster up the courage to try. When you’ve tried & failed, trying tends to be low on your to-do list. But, I honestly think it’s the only way. It’s the way to build confidence, especially because that first try takes a lot of mental pumping-up.

I’ve got to get my confidence back.

I’ve got to try.

My Writing

I have never had a shortage of ideas. I run into trouble with the writing/execution because, in my estimation, I was born a director but not a writer. For the past couple of years, I’ve complained as much as I can about needing a writing partner. It seemed to me the lack of a partner was the key to why I could never execute the script for an idea.

Last night, I finished my 2nd painting. Though, the first one was just an exploration of brushes and colors so, my 2nd could really be considered my 1st. Anyway, painting allows for a freeing of the mind. While I was painting last night, it hit me that, for most of my ideas, I have no idea what they are about. I normally get my ideas in the form of who or what. If my idea is wrapped around “what”, the first thing I do is flush out the “who”. But for most of my ideas, scripts, completed films, I’m at a loss to answer the simple question: “what’s it about?” I hardly ever know.

But that’s so important. Knowing what it’s about keeps the theme consistent throughout the story. In marketing, I believe that is called the red thread. And when it comes to red threads, I’ve completely missed the ball! But I’m not going to beat myself up about it. In fact, rather than lament the past, I’m choosing to be excited about the present and the future. I’ll keep you posted on my highly anticipated execution!

Be Fearless,
E.

iPhone/BlackBerry

Me.

Me?

For the past couple of months, a single question has been on my mind: who am I? What is my voice? Okay, that’s two questions but they’re related and everyone knows blood is thicker than water. The questions are sisters, have the same last name and therefore, count as one question.

For a long time, I’ve felt like there are two very different sides of myself. I’ve struggled with these two versions of myself and have yet to find a balance! I recently discovered that these two halves can, quite simply, be summed up with a cell-phone technology reference:

I’m an iPhone and I’m a BlackBerry.

Me as an iPhone: I’m free, creative, fresh, trendy, eccentric, fashion-forward, risqué. I’m a young, social, playful woman. I am interesting, unique, unpredictable, hip. I give to environmental causes, I am concerned with social causes. I do really cool things with my friends on the el train. I’m unconventional, sensitive, concerned with feelings. I’m MTV. I’m VH1. I’m Bravo. I’m a rock star. I’m fun, spontaneous. I’m obsessed with fashion. I’m versatile, I’m apps. I’m an artist.

Me as a BlackBerry: I’m conservative, classic, responsible, driven, ambitious, timeless. I’m careful, cautious, professional, responsible. I’m a mature, get-things-done kind of person. I multitask. I’m productive. I’m formal. I’m elegant, eloquent, executive and concerned with etiquette. I’m Grace Kelly. I’m CNN. I’m Forbes magazine. I’m concerned with numbers, structure, the bottom line. I’m calculating (but not cruel), cunning. I’m an entrepreneur.

For some reason, I can’t seem to find a balance between the two. I don’t know how to be an iPhone and a BlackBerry. I feel like with people, one or the other of my personas takes center stage. With some people, I’m an iPhone. With some people, I’m a BlackBerry. To be perfectly honest, with most people, the iPhone is what they get. And then, I can’t figure out how to present the BlackBerry in a natural and authentic way. Most of the time, I’m not even 100% comfortable with the BlackBerry. My BlackBerry self intimidates me and I keep her as locked away as I can.

One of the biggest reasons I want to find this balance is because I think the key to finding my voice lies there. I go back and forth on what kind of artist I am; what kind of filmmaker. I’m inclined to think that it begins with self-awareness and self-acceptance. So, in the interest of finding my voice:

Hi, I’m an iPhone. I will be confident enough to embrace this part of myself. It is great.

Hi, I’m a BlackBerry. I will be confident enough to embrace this part of myself. It is great.

Be Fearless,
E.

Welcome aboard the imaginationinspiration train. Next stop, ideas.

There are a lot of things running through my mind and I’m not sure what to grab first; where to start. My brain is like the electrical ribbon that runs through the big room on wall street!!

I’m really on this “what inspires me” road and, 1.5 days into it, it’s been interesting. I started the day yesterday feeling VERY inspired. By everything. I was the inspiration station, trains were pulling in and out all day; it was non-stop traffic. Have you ever sat down and felt like you have endless possibilities and unlimited potential? I think it’s got something to do with having nothing. When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. If you’ve felt it or not, that was me yesterday.

I started thinking…I can do anything. I can literally start doing anything. There is no large amount of money at stake, I don’t have fans to lose, I don’t have a reputation to maintain…I can just…create. Oh my God! It felt amazing. So, I did what any person does when faced with endless creative possibilities: I watched television. I looked at fashion-themed tumblr pages. I talked to my cousin on the phone. I watched videos on YouTube (from the 90s, of course). I took a couple 5-minute-dance breaks.

It was research!! All of it!

Then I had it: kickstarter.com!!! I could fundraise and shoot something! I could shoot a movie! It’s what I want to do and I could make it a “dream come true”. I even thought about doing a web-series called “do dreams come true”. It would be non-fiction; basically my own ‘watch-me-follow-my-dreams’ reality show. I don’t really like reality shows but…I really want to shoot something. Scrap the reality show, but I wanna do a movie. I wanna do a series. I wanna do something narrative.

The next obvious step was to call someone for validation. If someone else doesn’t validate my inspiration, it’s clearly not valid, right? The first person I called didn’t answer. No worries, I’m not picky. I called someone else. She answered, she listened, she hhhmmm’d. She hhhmmm’d. Hhhmmm? I wavered. I explained.

I deflated.

She suggested that I had to do something “hot, original, innovative, something never done before”.

Naturally. Of course. I was definitely, for sure going to do something hot, original, innovative and never done before. It’s just…after we talked, I looked in my idea chest and SOMEONE STOLE ALL MY HOT, ORIGINAL, INNOVATIVE, NEVER DONE BEFORE IDEAS!!!! Where did they go?? They only left behind the lukewarm and been done before ideas! That’s okay, I’ll just come up with some new ideas. Except. These are all lukewarm too. And they’re not innovative. Holy crap.

I’ve got to get back on the imaginationinspiration train. And this time…NO GUESTS ALLOWED. Unless they have ideas. Unless their ideas are hot, original, innovative, something never done before. Talk about pressure, right? My idea chest dried up like a…well, it dried up. That’s what’s important.

And I’m back to square one. Creative girl in search of ideas.

Be Fearless,
E.

What Should I Do Now?

For months, I’ve been working on a movie (my first feature film) and it was the greatest joy I’ve ever known. I thought about the movie on the days I wasn’t scheduled. Most of the people there were making four figures a week while I was making absolutely nothing and it didn’t bother me one bit. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve taken the four-figure-week in an instant but the nothing wasn’t a small enough amount to keep me away.

It gave me a sense of purpose that I didn’t realize I was missing. I got to be up close and in the middle of my dream and every single day, I was greeted with so much hope. Everything was brighter. There was one morning in particular; I woke up in the king size bed in my hotel suite (donated by the hotel manager because I was so “awesome”), I was surrounded by pillows, wrapped up in a white comforter and the sun was shining through the sheer curtains on the window. I looked up and felt…perfection. I felt like I was snuggled in the arms of my heavenly Father, I felt like I could hear the beating heart of my perfect soulmate and my dreams felt like they were alive inside of me.

Perfection, though, like a good movie, can’t last forever. As beautiful as that moment was, it’s taken me three weeks to realize that it was only a moment. Moments like that are special because of the contrast, I think, and I finally appreciate the many moments of non-perfection. For two weeks, since the movie ended, I’ve existed in this empty bubble of confusion. The real shade is that I didn’t even realize I was in this bubble. Aimless, going nowhere. I stood on the bus stop tonight, after taking over 6 hours to get ready and realized that I had no idea where I was going. No clue!! And I meant that literally and figuratively. I’m lost. I have no direction. I was headed to three different places all at the same time and had not consciously decided where I was going. So, do you know where I went instead? I walked back to my house and decided to just spend some quiet time with myself.

I sent a text to my new friend, B (more on him later) and expressed my “lost” feelings. I’m so glad I sent that text. I’m glad for a couple of reasons. I have spent most of my life not communicating with people and hiding my thoughts and feelings. It was a combination of fears and uncertainties and part of it was not thinking people cared to know what I was thinking or feeling. Another part of it was being afraid of vulnerability; when you’re vulnerable, it means you care and when you care, it means you get hurt. If I could get back to the point, I was glad I sent it because it was me being vulnerable AND it was me choosing to believe that this guy cared to know what I was thinking and feeling. Well, shiver me timbers sunshine! I got the best gift ever: B’s response…”you find the most unique things when you’re lost”.

Isn’t that wonderful? “You find the most unique things when you’re lost”. Suddenly, lost didn’t seem like such a loss anymore! Lost suddenly felt like Candyland (one of my favorite board games as a child). Lost felt like the magic of imagination and my favorite childhood movies. Thinking about Candyland got me to thinking about imagination and inspiration, two things that I haven’t really explored in a long time. I’ve taken a couple of road trips with ambition, dedication & persistence but imagination and inspiration, I haven’t seen those girls since the reunion!

I titled this blog, “what should I do now?” The answer is…whatever I want.

Hi imagination, you’re more beautiful than I remember! Hey there inspiration, I don’t know how I’ve gone on this long without you! Let’s hang out. I’ve missed you.

Be Fearless,
E.